The Abortionist

More Abortions Needed To Save Lab Mice

Sophie Clamp

An urgent need for more abortions has arisen in order to save laboratory mice from hair loss resulting from barbering, an animal healthcare spokesman has claimed.

“Things have reached crisis level. Lab mice are so stressed that they are literally pulling their hair out. We must act now, before it’s too late. Mice are suffering. Many suffer from Ulceratis Dermatitis (UD) as a result of the barbarity of barbering among mice.” said the spokesperson.

The scene of hair-rising scientific breakthroughs for mice

Hope, however, is at hand. The University of Pittsburgh has successfully grafted aborted baby scalps onto balding mice and grown human hair.

Professor Mengele of The Mengele School of Fetal Research has praised the work at the University of Pittsburgh saying, “This is such an elegant solution to what is a mighty mouse problem. After all we would not want children taking the mickey out of bald mice – that would be disgusting. But there is a clear need to abort more babies, if this crisis amongst mice is to be halted.”

Professor Mengele also believes that there is a commercial application to the Pittsburgh breakthrough. Noting that abortionists are always looking to earn a bit of extra cash, he explained, “Are you a baldy head? Are any of your pets suffering from hair loss? If you (or your pets) want to keep your hair on, we can help you; but it going to take more abortions, especially if you have a bighead – like me.“