The Abortionist

Progressives rewrite Little Red Riding Hood to be more trans-affirming, pro-choice

Albert Itchkrul

Pro-trans, pro-abortion activists have released a brand-new retelling of the popular children’s fairy-tale Little Red Riding Hood, with a radical twist at the end to “modernise” its “out-dated” and “backward” values.

In the most popular traditional versions of the story a woodcutter arrives at the end, cuts open with his axe the wolf masquerading as Riding Hood’s grandmother, and frees the just-swallowed girl from his belly, shaken but unharmed.

“This was problematic,” explains co-author Ivno Idiya. “I mean, even if we can put to one side the whole white saviour complex – as if a little girl needs rescuing from inside the belly of a huge and malicious wolf that’s just swallowed her? The most serious issues are that this is clearly a trans-phobic way to end the tale – the wolf who had only recently started living and identifying as a grandmother is virtually straight away slain by a cis-white male, and this is generally seen as a good thing – but more than that this trans-wolf’s right to choose is clearly violated. All she wanted at this moment was to have the child inside of her killed, and this ‘woodcutter’ did exactly the opposite. Yet another example of straight white men deciding what to do with women’s bodies.”

Cis-White Male

“In fact,” Ivno goes on, “Red Riding Hood popping out alive in this centuries-old tale bears a hauntingly prescient resemblance to modern-day C-section. What could be a purer manifestation of toxic masculinity than helping a woman in a difficult delivery to get her baby out alive, instead of deliberately killing the baby inside her and possibly damaging her body in the process? And of course, C-sections are named after – guess who? – Julius Caesar, literally the archetypal entitled white male.”

When questioned on whether a male wolf being split open to save a female child was really an assault on women’s rights, Ivno looks up to the sky in disbelief. “Read my lips: trans-wolves are women. What part of that is so hard to understand?”

“You also have to appreciate that the moment Red Riding Hood entered into someone else’s body, she lost all her rights as a person. She literally became a part of the wolf’s body; in fact she was pretty much an aggressor, or a parasite. The wolf may have consented to have her come into her body, but she had the right to withdraw that consent at any time, and she definitely did not give her consent for the child to still be alive. Red Riding Hood was literally ignoring all the wolf-grandmother’s feelings at that moment. That’s why we ended the story the way we did.”

The new version of the tale ends with the woodcutter carefully inserting his axe down the wolf’s throat, trying not to harm the wolf in any way, before thrashing it around violently inside the wolf’s body to make sure Red Riding Hood is fully dead. After performing this essential healthcare / reproductive justice / human right for the he-she-wolf, the woodcutter then kneels before her to beg forgiveness for his white cis-male fragility and proceeds to act as the wolf’s personal slave miserably ever after, never able to atone for the way he was born.

Co-authors Ivno Idiya and Emma Stoop-Ede appear to have literally forgotten about grandmother, who is still stuck in the cupboard, since what do old people matter when Greta says we have too many people on the planet anyways?