The Abortionist

Home owners instructed by Burglary Union to not report thieves to the police until they are safely off the property

Albert Itchkrul

Following an announcement to medics from the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists that they should not report illegal abortions, the Burglars Union has also issued a statement.

Guidance released this morning by the Burglars Union, a confederation of thieves established in 1069, with the slogan “Praesidiis latronibus, ut rapiant rem tuam” translated roughly as “protecting burglars as they pilfer your property,” instructs homeowners not to dial 999 or report thieves to the authorities until they are safely off the premices.

“Burgling homes is incredibly stressful,” said one spokesperson from the BU. “Criminal sanctions and the threat of arrest only make it worse.”

Another representative said, “Too many good and decent burglars are being interrogated and probed by the police for partaking in the nighttime economy. It’s about time we change this archaic law and let them pilfer in peace. That’s why we are encouraging homeowners not only to refrain from calling 999 but also to take time to wipe down surfaces and handles as well.”

No homeowners were contacted in relation to this article.