The Abortionist

How the Pandemic has Revolutionised Dental Care

Albert Itchkrul

The introduction of DIY home abortions wasn’t the only medical procedure the Health Secretary temporarily approved at the start of lock down. He also approved of DIY dental surgery too. Albert Itchkrul finds out more:

“DIY dental packs have literally been life saving” stated Karina Cavity, from the Dental Access Research Kit (DARK) “Rather than risking perilous infection from COVID-19 with face to face appointments, they have allowed patience to take control of their own dental care in the comfort of their own home”.

The measures temporarily approved by the secretary of state for health, on the 1st April 2020, allow for an array of surgical instruments, gloves, fillings, and a four pack of paracetamol to be sent out to patients after a short consultation over the phone.  The feedback has been very positive.

“I received my package after just a couple of days” said Samantha from Hastings, “I had been suffering from severe tooth ache for days so I was desperate”. Although she said she was initially nervous “the instructions were really easy to use, and my husband really enjoyed operating the drill”

After having 14 teeth removed by the local hospital she proudly stated, “I now have no pain whatsoever!” She hasn’t yet returned to work.

“At first I was weary of these new measures too” said Desmond from Sutton Coldfield, who also under went a  DIY root canal during lockdown-solo. “After all this is medical procedure and I am just a philosophy student, but then I thought about it a bit more, and realised that the principle of bodily autonomy means I have a fundamental right to do what I like with my own mouth”

“In this light” he said while he ate his lunch through a straw “I think these new measures have revolutionised dental surgery for ever”.  When questioned on the safety of the measures he commented, “dental providers are very careful to only give you 4 tablets of paracetamol with the other sharp instruments. Sure it makes it painful as flip, but at least you can’t get addicted post procedure”

Not everyone however, is in favour of these new measures. Antonia Molar from the Society for the Protection of Gums (SPUG) stated: “These new measures are wreaking havoc on the gums of a nation, and should never have been permitted in the first place”

Dental practitioners on the other hand seem happy with the new measures.  Dr. Reilly Relak-Singe from Smile Croydon commented: “These new measures are about what’s best for the  patient. 9 times out of 10, patients don’t want to sit in my chair for what could be an uncomfortable procedure. Now they don’t have to. Sending this packages is quick, easy and lucrative…sorry I meant to say safe. Most importantly it puts the dental surgery just where it should be, in your front room, without all the off putting faff of doctors, receptionists and fish tanks. I not only support these measures but hope they become permanent once lockdown ends”.